nothing but mere lies child.

This time of the year is very neutral. It isn't busy but it definitely isn't relaxed. It isn't warm but it's not quite freezing. It doesn't seem to be very loud but it isn't quiet to be sure of. It's very neutral. It gives you a neutral feeling.

I've been ill for a while now. It really did start giving me the hump when I couldn't eat properly. I've seen my mum go through a disorder and know how easy it is to slip into one and how hard it is to get out of, so I was worried when I lost weight rapidly and wasn't eating for days living off water and passing every opportunity for food because of the pain it caused in my throat. Strange. But now I'm gradually being able to swallow better foods. I'm eating a lot of pasta now which I'm happy about. But solid food proves to be difficult which is a real let down.

I think the main thing that has annoyed me this month is how chilled out I am and how it's made me realise that some things, some people are just so stressed or worked up about irrelevant trivia they believe is ever so important. I have to say I find people who put on a face are beginning to show through the mask. I don't know them well but I certainly don't want to! It's unoriginal it's tacky and it's rude and horrible. Qualities like this in a person are just divine! I crave to see the next piece of 'wise' information I hear next time. I really think that the reason for this is that she has never been in love with another human being. I believe it is a stunt. I believe in the long run someone will be apologising to a lot of commendable people who had decency to bravely stand by her. You have no determination. These are nothing but mere lies child. But without them you do not function properly so I suppose you are doing the best to survive a social disaster and a useless reputation. Ha! You don't even know yourself. 

and i am the author.

And I really want to know what it is was that was inside me last night. I felt really, really strange. I was broken. I had nothing. I was a mess. I sat there in front of my mother feeling crap. It's all fine sounding dramatic here. No one will read this properly. I don't want sympathy from a short passage which may seem either deluded or mysterious as to why I felt insignificant. I've never felt so utterly miserable as I do at the moment. Change was good. I progressed a short stepping stone. It's nothing concerning friendships. What have gone have gone. Memories are flashes of lies from what I see it now. Last night I was all focused on opening up on how I felt towards people and just telling instead of hiding away the truth. I will for one person. I will not for the other. Life is my empty pages as I see it. I'm re-writing the introduction and I am the author. No one can write my life. No one can write their own I guess.

things i used to do.

It's horrible when you lose friends. Especially close ones. But the worst is when you constantly bicker and fight back at each other. And it just never ends. And it seems that as much as you try and make things work again. It just fails and your back to square 1.

However it just makes me have such a gut feeling when there's a sense of replacement. As if you meant nothing. It drives me insane. All I can think of is getting a job, getting coursework done and moving on and finding people who matter. So far I've done half my coursework. And I have been with school friends who have made me feel so good these past few days. But it's different when you're with your close friends. I only really care about Cherise the most. I just really hope I haven't lost her. I can deal with other losses. I don't blame the new guy at all! I just find it always makes me feel like I don't matter. Everytime something pops up on facebook. Things I used to do. 

It's weird how things change but in a way I'm happy for the change. I can focus on a lot more things than making my friendships work with people who aren't achieving. And in a way I'm focusing more on myself so that I can get to the places I want instead of rooting for other peoples goals. I'm gonna make the best of myself. And true friends will be there throughout the journey without being negative. I find that jealousy and guilt can be easily related in times like these.

ink in my skin.

On the 21st August I had my tattoo done. That Friday I went with my good friend Cherise to London, took the tube to Camden Town and sat there and waited for Thomas to draw out my design..

I had a birdcage design for my right thigh. I wanted it big with some detail and also my brother's date of birth in roman numerals. It looked perfect. Now I know is sounds ridiculous in saying that a birdcage seems symbolic but truthfully it did. It was home and the door was always open for me to leave or return. It seemed my brother was the one who kept this as my sanctuary as my own place of peace. It seemed that while I was being tattooed great streams of relief sort of like souls leaving the body when the person is dead, in the classic movies if you can imagine. But still I am so happy that I will have this on me for life. It couldn't be a better way to feel so fulfilled with art and with my body, and entwining these two together. I know that this ink in my skin is what keeps me sane and sounding yet even more dramatic keeps me loving what I have at this present time.

tomorrow is my grandfather's birthday.

Usually humans take for granted other humans, we see these other people as the ones that will always be around that will stick through with us till the end. But we don't realise what if that end is nearing? What if somehow the end for them is sooner than we thought? We want to have that small chance to tell them all that we feel as if the seconds are numbered. On 1st August I want to feel calm, embrace my life as it still stands, develop, expand my ideas, broaden my horizons and start seeing life in my own hands and how I am going to perceive my name for the years to progress.

Tomorrow is my grandfather's birthday. The day before mine. And I will be sixteen. It's time to show true abilities. It's time to define the line of life, death and everything in between.

Tomorrow is my grandfather's birthday. I love you grandad.